It’s been several months since I posted. There are dozens of reasons for this but it boils down to this. This blog is about happiness and productivity and for several months I have been unhappy and unproductive.
I just heard an interview with Jia Talentino on Sam Sander’s podcast It’s Been a Minute. Jia and Sam discussed a bunch of interesting stuff (she’s brilliant) including this idea of social media presentation and being “on brand” versus being “authentic.” I have struggled with this in relation to the Four Steps and this blog because, honestly, I want to seem happy and productive all the time so that my thoughts or advice will seem like it’s coming from an authority on the topic.
Of course this is pure bullshit. I am not happy and productive all the time. I don’t hold the key to the universe. In fact, my greatest strength is the fact that I have screwed things up and I’ve tried to learn ways of fixing things.
And it’s pretty clear that if I am honest about those screw-ups and stumbles in my writing, these posts will probably be more valuable to more people.
I hate to admit this but one of the things that happened was I relapsed with drinking. In fact I was claiming to be sober to everyone and secretly drinking for months. This finally came to light and I am very happy to say that I’m back in recovery and currently 135 days sober. I have a regular meeting schedule (you know, the anonymous kind) with a sponsor and I’m working the steps. I have a new understanding of my own self-righteousness and resentments as driving forces in my addictive behavior.
I have also realized that my self-employment gambit is not working out. To support my family, I need to make more money than I have been making as a freelancer and entrepreneur.
I also have been gaining weight and not exercising as regularly as I did before.
And there has been some tough news that has really bummed me out. Friends of mine lost their kids in a car accident and another friend has a bad case of cancer. I would say that I’ve been in a mild depression since I got this news.
This is all stuff to write about but I didn’t want to.
It’s funny, I just wanted to apologize for not writing about it but I don’t know who you are and I’m not clear that I owe you anything. Blogging is odd that way. Everyone on Earth could read this potentially or, alternatively, no one else could ever see this.
I blog for myself, actually. So I guess I really owe an apology to myself for not writing.
Apology accepted. Thanks.
I feel so much better now! I really do. I was really mad at myself for not blogging for months and now I finally did it! I don’t think I’m going to promote this one so I suspect it will be read by some Russian spider-bots and maybe my Mom but I know I wrote it and so therefore I’m a blogger again!